More Than My Emotions: Navigating through Postpartum Depression

We hear the words “postpartum depression” and immediately think we know what to expect from it. I was certain that I knew what it would feel like and even MORE certain that I’d be able to do things to dodge the unwarranted, wild emotions that came flooding in after birthing my baby girl. I thought I knew exactly what signs to look for until…it hit me.

I wanted to write this blog post not only to encourage mommies experiencing crazy postpartum emotions but for ANYONE wrestling with emotional distress.

We’d been home for about a week when I realized I truly was not myself. I felt a strong melancholy feeling that overcame by body so unannounced! It completely shifted my mood and made me feel as if I was empty. Oddly enough, this feeling would come in waves. It wouldn’t last all day or even for a lengthy period of time but when it DID present itself, it forced me to lash out and made me feel like I needed to be alone (which was totally impossible with a newborn and that upset me even more). As we approached week two of parenthood and beautiful Channing started doing what babies do (crying, crying, and more crying), I started to feel like a true failure. I would change, feed, and burp her and she would continue to cry until she couldn’t anymore. I found myself pumping breast milk at 2:30am on the floor of our bedroom…crying right along with her. Uncontrollably. You’d think I had every reason to be bubbling over with gratitude and happiness, yet I found myself the saddest I’d ever been. I cried so much in private and wanted to share my emotions with my inner circle but felt entirely too prideful to let those closest to me know that I truly was NOT okay. Sleep deprivation fed into these emotions and left me feeling as though I was a ticking time bomb. I LITERALLY began to feel way too inadequate for this new lifelong position.

I pushed family members and friends away, seeking isolation because I didn’t want to be asked if I was okay or if I needed anything. I wanted to be left alone yet needed so much help (weird, right?). Unexpectedly attacked, I found myself worn OUT by postpartum…depression.

After three weeks of settling into my new role and adjusting to life with a newborn, I chose to acknowledge that I WAS dealing with the very emotion I just knew I’d be able to avoid. It may not look the same for every mother but it caused me to feel inadequate, sad, unproductive and very angry for no reason at the most inconvenient times. After being honest with myself and those around me, I decided that I WOULD NOT spend another day being shackled by these uncontrolled emotions. The bible states in Proverbs 18:21 that “life and death are in the power of the tongue”. THIS IS SO UNIVERSAL. WE WILL HAVE WHAT WE SAY. Although every person reading this may not be spiritual, I believe it is important to understand how imperative it is to speak POSITIVELY in the direction of our being, specifically our mental health. Understanding and acting upon this revelation, I saw my entire state of being change for the better. I stopped saying “I’m dealing with postpartum depression” (because it was already acknowledged and there was no reason to keep speaking it). Battered yet tired of being emotionally beaten, I DECIDED it was time to change the trajectory of my postpartum experience. I now declare daily that I am more than my emotions and that I am not defined by the stress and anxiety that once TRIED to take control over this season of my life. The harder postpartum emotions attacked, the more I leaned into those things I love the most (writing, being physically active, and creating). Those spurts of isolation soon turned into moments when I wanted to seek help, be around my family, and love on my baby girl even MORE. I am still working through these feelings but I am no longer allowing them to get the best of me. Feelings are just that…FEELINGS. This means that those that are negative can be overcome.

This blog post is not to encourage those of us dealing with wild emotions to be in denial about what we’re feeling. WE’RE HUMAN. This blog post is, however, to encourage us to continue to move forward. It’s OK to feel and acknowledge but remember to breathe, SPEAK POSITIVELY to your situation, and to try to take the energy you’re feeling and pour it into those things you love the most!

With love,

Christiauna